Oddly Specific Dating Site Date Gone Wrong!! (Gone Sexual???) (Vampires???)
A Ten-Minute PlayCharacters:
VampFang89 (aka Melissa), 20s, young woman with a flair for the dramatic.
HeirOfD4rkn3ss (aka Robert), 20s, kind of lame.
Waiter, 20s-30s, underpaid.
Setting:
Olive Garden. Sometime in the late '00s.
SCENE I
(LIGHTS UP on ROBERT, who is standing in his bathroom psyching himself up in the mirror. He's wearing a graphic print t-shirt, jeans, a shabby suit jacket from Goodwill, and a trilby. There is a pedestal sink downstage center, facing upstage with various bathroom articles (cologne, toothbrush, etc.) on it, as well as a set of fake vampire fangs. The mirror is pantomimed, and "hung" on the "wall" above the sink, so ROBERT delivers his lines through it to the audience.)
ROBERT
Ok. Go time, Rob man. You can do this. You just gotta convince this girl that you're a real vampire. But, like, a sexy datable vampire. I mean, well, you've only got to sell it, you've already convinced her. Pretty easy when you're pandering to the kind of demographic that signs up for "vampiresonly.com". I mean, seriously? Everyone knows that vampires aren't real! [beat] Okay, come on. Focus. You're getting off track. What was I doing again...? [beat] Oh right, the questions. Uh... [puts on an expression that he thinks is very cool and suave] "So, what's your sign?" [beat] Oh, wait! The fangs!
(ROBERT applies the fake fangs and does the expression again.)
ROBERT [somewhat muffled due to aforementioned fangs]
"So, what's your sign?" [beat, ROBERT goes back to his normal expression] Ok. Perfect. It's go time.
(FADE TO BLACK)
SCENE II
(LIGHTS UP on ROBERT, who is checking his fangs in his silverware at a table set for two. MELISSA enters and ROBERT quickly puts his silverware down and pretends he totally wasn't just checking his fangs. MELISSA looks excited but nervous, and is wearing a more conventional First Date Outfit, but like, one she could run in.)
MELISSA
Hi, are you HeirOfDarkness?
ROBERT
[obviously having had rehearsed this multiple times]
Why, in fact, I am. (He stands up.) And you're VampFang89, I take it?
MELISSA
Yep, that's me.
(The two sit down.)
MELISSA
So you're really a real vampire?
ROBERT
Getting right to the point, huh? Well, I am. Fangs and all, haha.
(He smiles widely, being careful to show off his fangs.)
MELISSA
Whoa... So, like, do you drink blood?
ROBERT
Pssh, yeah. All the time.
MELISSA
Have you ever drank... [dramatic pause] human blood?
ROBERT
I mean, well, a couple times. It's mostly, uh, animal blood for me. Doesn't taste as good, but I'll take what I can get.
MELISSA
What kind of animal blood?
ROBERT
[struggling]
Uh... Mostly just... rats?
MELISSA
Rats? Do they have some kind of nutritional value or something?
ROBERT
Not... Really... They're kinda... just... around...
(WAITER enters and walks past table.)
ROBERT
[desperately]
Hey! Um. Excuse me, could we get some waters over here?
WAITER
Sure.
(WAITER exits.)
MELISSA
So.
(ROBERT cringes in anticipation.)
I like your fedora.
ROBERT
Oh! Haha. Um, actually, it's a trilby. See, you can tell by the shape-- fedoras have a wider brim, and trilbies have a taller crown and are usually worn on the back of the head.
MELISSA
[on "taller crown"]
Wouldn't a fedora be better, then?
ROBERT
Huh?
MELISSA
You know, because it has a wider brim? [beat, ROBERT stares at her, unsure what to say] To protect you from the sun.
ROBERT
Oh. Yeah. Well. Uh. Heh. See, the thing about that is-
(WAITER enters with glasses of water, ROBERT spots them and draws out the "is" until the waiter reaches the table and puts down the glasses. ROBERT quickly grabs a glass and chugs some water. WAITER eyes ROBERT, kind of weirded out but too underpaid to really care.)
WAITER
Have you decided what you would like to order?
ROBERT
Yes, could I get a... Uh...
MELISSA
Oh, can I recommend... [dramatic pause] the breadsticks?
ROBERT
Alright, sure. I'll have a serving of those.
WAITER
And you, ma'am?
MELISSA
Just the water is fine.
WAITER
Alright.
(WAITER exits.)
MELISSA
So, like, why Olive Garden?
ROBERT
[relieved that this is a normal question]
Well, Olive Garden is one of my favorite restaurants, and I don't know, it's got a nice ambiance, I guess. Like it's-
MELISSA
[on "ambiance"] I mean, why a restaurant. Do you still need to eat real food? If you can obtain sustenance from, say, sandwiches, why bother eating rats? Or humans, for that matter.
ROBERT
Well, I mean, I don't really need to eat, per se? Like, it doesn't give me... "sustenance", but it's, uh, nice, I guess? Nostalgic, y'know? Reminds me of simpler times... When I was human...
MELISSA
Alright, so it's not necessary, but it's possible. Got it. [shifts into Flirt Mode] So... what brings a handsome vamp like you to a town like this?
ROBERT
Well, um, I wanted a change of scenery, and I just found the local architecture interesting. Are you into architecture?
MELISSA
Oh, yes! I'm really into urban exploration, actually.
ROBERT
Really? That's fascinating.
MELISSA
Yeah! I've actually got a blog for-- Oh, it looks like the food is coming.
(WAITER enters with the food, places it on the table, and exits. ROBERT very slowly and dramatically lifts the breadstick to his mouth... MELISSA is watching very intently... and then ROBERT takes a bite... nothing happens. ROBERT continues to eat, now at a regular pace.)
ROBERT
Thanks for the recommendation, these are good!
MELISSA
[confused]
You know that has garlic in it, right?
(ROBERT stops eating, shocked.)
ROBERT
Oh. Uh. Yeah. About that. I. Uh. There's. I'm, uh, I'm. I'm actually immune.
MELISSA
To garlic?
ROBERT
Yeah, I'm... I'm Italian... Well, like, my grandma's Italian... so I'm like... it doesn't affect me.
(MELISSA stares in bewilderment/amazement.)
ROBERT
So. Uh. [beat] What's your name? I, sorry about that, I didn't quite catch it. I, uh, I assume "VampFang89" isn't your...?
MELISSA
[sharply]
It's Melissa. And you?
ROBERT
Oh. Haha. Sorry. I'm Robert, uh, but you can call me Rob, heh. Uh, you know, I feel like I've been talking about myself a lot... Could I, uh, maybe get to know you better? Like... [beat as he thinks back to SCENE I, applies the Cool And Suave facial expression] So, what's your sign?
MELISSA
Well, my natal chart says I'm a Scorpio, but honestly, I've always thought I was more of a Virgo...
ROBERT
[Politely]
Fascinating.
(FADE TO BLACK)
SCENE III
(LIGHTS UP on ROBERT and MELISSA walking through a seedy-looking alleyway outside the Olive Garden. MELISSA turns around and puts her hands on ROBERT's chest.)
MELISSA
So... Tall, dark and... fangy... do you wanna bite me?
ROBERT
Oh... I'm not sure I should... Dare I revert to my animal instincts, betraying my morals as I drain the very life essence from a human being? No, I daren't...
MELISSA
What if I were to... make it worth your while?
ROBERT
Well... If the lady insists... But only just this once...
(ROBERT embraces MELISSA from behind, Phantom of the Opera-style. As ROBERT is about to bite down on her neck, MELISSA whips around and stabs ROBERT with a stake. For the rest of the scene, ROBERT grows progressively weaker due to blood loss.)
ROBERT [Screams in pain] What the fuck?
MELISSA
Haha! Little did you know, I was merely playing the part of the innocent victim to lure you into a false sense of security! Now that I've impaled you with my stake of vengeance, your reign of undead terror will finally come to an end!
ROBERT
Motherfucker! I'm not a real vampire, idiot! Jesus!
MELISSA
...You're not?
ROBERT
Of course I'm not! Vampires don't exist! I was just pretending!
MELISSA
[to herself]
Damnit, not again...
ROBERT
"Again"?
MELISSA
And all that information I gathered is useless... God, how am I going to avenge the death of my parents if I can't even kill one stinkin' vampire? I'm never using vampiresonly.com again.
ROBERT
Wait... Vampires killed your parents? Like, real vampires?
MELISSA
Yes... It's all part of my dark and dramatic backstory.
(ROBERT collapses.)
MELISSA
I guess the date was pretty nice, though. Ping me again sometime. I mean, if you live, I guess. [beat] Well, see ya.
(MELISSA exits, leaving ROBERT to bleed out on the ground.)
ROBERT
Still better... than my last date...
(FADE TO BLACK)